Terrible steam games as described by user reviews: Gasp

 Prepare to GASP......at the low quality graphics

Prepare to GASP......at the low quality graphics

“I came expecting nothing, but was still disappointed”.

While my previous article on The Youthdrainers was a critical examination on how to badly design your own horror franchise, this time around we’ll learn a lesson on the fundamental reasons why games should invariably contain gameplay.

Yes, The Youthdrainers was probably the shittiest game on Steam, Gasp however is definitely the most pointless.

On the surface it appears to be a space simulator, of course I use the term ‘simulator’ very loosely, because on closer inspection the story, graphics or physics of the game don’t appear to actually simulate anything in our universe or the next.

So what’s it all about?

I’ll let the game developers tell you that:

"This game takes place in the same universe as our upcoming tittle Secluded; you take control of a lone astronaut that lands on the surface of a planet, miles away from the other members. And it’s your job to meet up with the other astronauts.”

Unnecessary exposition there about Secluded. Also, they misspelled “Title”. That should be a pretty good indicator on how you think the reviews of this game are going to go. Continuing on:

“This game is based on constantly moving, as your suit leaks oxygen at random times. You must also avoid hazards that accrue on the planets, such as falling debris and asteroid strikes. This game is Free to play and experimental in some ways. We want the player survive in their own way and not have the game hold their hand through the experience, the games objectives are randomized so the locations change each time you play, and once you die that's it.”

Oh boy.

Well, let’s see the game in action. Youtuber and game reviewer Draegast took a look at the game, and needless to say it ended in frustration.

It’s slow, takes 40 minutes to get anywhere, has no dire consequences (even in death) and is filled with invisible walls that block the very objectives that the game tells you you’re trying to reach. As far as ridiculous games go, this might be the shit covered crown jewel that towers above them all.

The reviews

There are some doozies this time around.

  “Great game, if you’ve never played a game in your life. Literal playable poo”

“Great game, if you’ve never played a game in your life. Literal playable poo”

  “The asteroids look like giant balls of Styrofoam, and don’t follow a single of Newton’s laws of motion”

“The asteroids look like giant balls of Styrofoam, and don’t follow a single of Newton’s laws of motion”

  “First game I’ve ever seen without any actual gameplay. Imagine No Man’s Sky with less content and even more boring”

“First game I’ve ever seen without any actual gameplay. Imagine No Man’s Sky with less content and even more boring”

  “Literally walking on the moon simulator with asteroids walking around you. I came expecting nothing, and was still disappointed”

“Literally walking on the moon simulator with asteroids walking around you. I came expecting nothing, and was still disappointed”

  “I think I found the Tommy Wiseau of game devs...”

“I think I found the Tommy Wiseau of game devs...”

  “A good way to make sure your steam uninstall feature is still working”

“A good way to make sure your steam uninstall feature is still working”

Then there are these gems:

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And lastly, let’s leave on this wise piece of advice on how to play the game.

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- Andrew Archer